It was 2:00am. I got out of my bed and went to the balcony. It was a dark night, with no stars to be seen. Perfect, I thought. Even the stars were showing their back to me, they aren’t as different from humans after all. I kept staring at the dark sky and tried to make sense out of it, Can we actually find a ray of hope in the darkest of situations?, Does one know what the other person is going through, before throwing sympathetic phrases at him?. Entering this world is not your choice, but leaving is. I’ve finally made up my mind. I’m committing suicide today.
I came back into the room. My brother, Rahul is not home this weekend, so this room is all to me. I’ve been thinking about this night for a while now, weighing all my options and then carefully deciding all the minutest details. This time was carefully selected so that no one has a chance of spoiling my plan. Before proceeding, I should see that everyone is fast asleep. I left my sleepers and opened my bedroom door with utmost precaution. It is an old house and most of the doors make a creepy sound. Both, mom and dad were fast asleep. For the last time I saw my parents through the window of their bedroom. Next morning will be unforgettable for them, I thought. I came back to my room, and locked the door behind me. Everything was ready, razor, tape, sleeping pills. I stood in front of the mirror for a while, analyzing when and how I came to this conclusion. I quickly brushed it off, for I know I’m a very emotional person and that’s how I decided it, not to think of the decision again. Just follow it.
I looked at my wrists in the mirror. I’m going to slit both my wrists, it will be quicker this way. I seriously wish I could tell my mom about it, but I know it’s not possible. I wanted to explain her why I’m taking this step and I know she’ll never understand it. Folding my sleeves never took me so long. I’ve just seen this in movies before. One reason why I didn’t want to slit my wrists was that I can’t stand blood. All the other options on the other hand were not feasible, or some were just too quick. I wanted to feel every last second of my life. I sat on the bed, with the razor in my hand. Using my left hand, I slit the right wrist first. Doing it in a quick move made is easy. The blood started flowing out slowly. It wasn’t as fast as I expected. No “Whoosh” or splatter of blood on my face or something like that. I took the razor in my trenched right arm now and slit my left wrist too. Razor dropped out of my hands as soon as my left was open as well. Now I could witness blood oozing out of my arms like I’ve never seen before. This sight of blood slowly flowing from my wrists looked more ghastly in the mirror. I can’t remember for how long I was staring at the mirror. My right arms looked a bit different now, Oh! It was the skin color. I felt weak at this point. Blood was still oozing out but with a slower pace now. The bed sheet was covered in thick red colored substance. I wondered, was all this blood mine? Human body just has an average of 6 liters. I felt that I could no longer sit, involuntarily itself, I just gave up the energy to keep sitting. Lying down, I was looking at the florescent stars on the ceiling. It took me a lone time to convince Rahul for these stars, according to him it was childish of me to do so. I could feel numbness in my body. I tried to move my arms but couldn’t do it. I was too weak. Best part is that it didn’t pain. Maybe it’s coz I was not afraid of it anymore, not of anything. I was wanted to just see my mom for the last time now. I know she’d cry her heart out after me. Things will never be the same again. These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I cried out aloud but I was too weak to make any kind of noise. This was the saddest moment of my life, or maybe the reason I took this decision. Nothing mattered now, in another few minutes I will no longer be conscious. I don’t know when I became unconscious.
TO BE CONTINUED.......
