LAST LETTER-PART 2

Cos I'm, T.N.T. I'm Dynamite, T.N.T. And I'll win the fight , HUHHHHHH! I was still alive. It was my mobile which was ringing. DAMN IT, I forgot to turn it off. Nothing is perfect I thought. Inspite of working on the minutest details for tonight, at the very last minute I forgot to turn it off. I felt something weird, not knowing what it was. I tried to move my head, GOSH it hurts. My arms were pale green now, although they did move when I tried to reach over to my irritating mobile phone. What were the chances of being called the very minute you were so close to leaving this mortal life. Frankly speaking I didn’t expect it to be so slow. It should’ve been over by now, why am I still alive? My bedsheet was soaked red by now; blood was thicker than I thought. It wasn’t sticky; it felt as if there was a gelatinous cover over the cloth and obviously my arms. My wrists were not oozing out blood anymore or wait they were but at a snail’s pace let me tell you. Maybe the brain is cleverer than we all think, has the brain stopped the flow to my wrists knowing they’re slit open? Well human body has been the most complex thing by far, arguably off course. I saw the flashing screen, an unknown number. Who will be calling me at such hour, should I even care to receive it? I wanted my last moments to myself and not to some random person, I thought. The ringing stopped.

The phone rang again, this time I picked it up. “Hello”, I said. “Hi”, OMG it was her. Why was she calling me now? Why? “Don’t hang up, please talk to me”, she said. Why the hell should I do that? I gave you all the chances in this world but all I got was straight faces. Proved myself over and over again, you of all the people should’ve understood me, been there by my side. That was long time back, I even forgot you by now. Today’s decision had nothing to do with you, but then why after such a long time do I get to hear back from you. “Are you still there? please say something”, she said. “It’s okay”, I said and hung up on her. This was the first time I hung up on someone close, so close. Am will sure be my last time too, looking at my wrists. This was not working the way I wanted it, I tried to stand and shockingly enough I did manage the strength to stand up. It’s been over half an hour, I was still alive and standing.

I decided to do something which was not a part of the plan, to make it quicker. I walked few steps to see if I can walk, I could. My left arm was numb, not reacting at all. I did think of jumping off our terrace too, but going into the open made me drop that plan. It was too late for anyone to notice me, so maybe it would be perfect to go and jump. I moved towards the door, unlatching it never took so much of energy, this made me realize how weak and near dead I was. Every step towards the stairs was filled with pain, I felt like crying but since I promised myself not to, I didn’t. Each step took my breath away, gasping for air at every inch. I wrists were still bleeding; the staircase had blood all over it by now, as I looked back. As I opened the door to terrace, I felt the cold breeze brush my face, it was heavenly. I walked towards the railing, never had anyone thought of such an action in my family coz the railing was too small to obscure anyone from doing so. I stood up on the railing and facing opposite to the side I was supposed to fall, I read it somewhere that chances of death increase if you jump with your back facing downwards, this way your hands will not involuntarily be an hindrance. I closed my eyes for my final thoughts.

I saw her, with that pretty smile. She was the most beautiful girl I ever met. I saw my brother. I saw my dad, when he hugged me after my high school best student award. Then I saw my mother, crying her eyes out over my body. I opened my eyes, I didn’t notice but a tear slipped through my eyes, and then another. Then before I knew I was crying, standing on that railing. I can’t leave my mom, ever. Then a strong breeze blew me off balance and I slipped from the roof, I could feel falling faster than anything ever. But I didn’t want to, I wanted to shout “stop, stop. No, I don’t want to die anymore” but the words didn’t escape my lips.

LAST LETTER-PART1

It was 2:00am. I got out of my bed and went to the balcony. It was a dark night, with no stars to be seen. Perfect, I thought. Even the stars were showing their back to me, they aren’t as different from humans after all. I kept staring at the dark sky and tried to make sense out of it, Can we actually find a ray of hope in the darkest of situations?, Does one know what the other person is going through, before throwing sympathetic phrases at him?. Entering this world is not your choice, but leaving is. I’ve finally made up my mind. I’m committing suicide today.

I came back into the room. My brother, Rahul is not home this weekend, so this room is all to me. I’ve been thinking about this night for a while now, weighing all my options and then carefully deciding all the minutest details. This time was carefully selected so that no one has a chance of spoiling my plan. Before proceeding, I should see that everyone is fast asleep. I left my sleepers and opened my bedroom door with utmost precaution. It is an old house and most of the doors make a creepy sound. Both, mom and dad were fast asleep. For the last time I saw my parents through the window of their bedroom. Next morning will be unforgettable for them, I thought. I came back to my room, and locked the door behind me. Everything was ready, razor, tape, sleeping pills. I stood in front of the mirror for a while, analyzing when and how I came to this conclusion. I quickly brushed it off, for I know I’m a very emotional person and that’s how I decided it, not to think of the decision again. Just follow it.

I looked at my wrists in the mirror. I’m going to slit both my wrists, it will be quicker this way. I seriously wish I could tell my mom about it, but I know it’s not possible. I wanted to explain her why I’m taking this step and I know she’ll never understand it. Folding my sleeves never took me so long. I’ve just seen this in movies before. One reason why I didn’t want to slit my wrists was that I can’t stand blood. All the other options on the other hand were not feasible, or some were just too quick. I wanted to feel every last second of my life. I sat on the bed, with the razor in my hand. Using my left hand, I slit the right wrist first. Doing it in a quick move made is easy. The blood started flowing out slowly. It wasn’t as fast as I expected. No “Whoosh” or splatter of blood on my face or something like that. I took the razor in my trenched right arm now and slit my left wrist too. Razor dropped out of my hands as soon as my left was open as well. Now I could witness blood oozing out of my arms like I’ve never seen before. This sight of blood slowly flowing from my wrists looked more ghastly in the mirror. I can’t remember for how long I was staring at the mirror. My right arms looked a bit different now, Oh! It was the skin color. I felt weak at this point. Blood was still oozing out but with a slower pace now. The bed sheet was covered in thick red colored substance. I wondered, was all this blood mine? Human body just has an average of 6 liters. I felt that I could no longer sit, involuntarily itself, I just gave up the energy to keep sitting. Lying down, I was looking at the florescent stars on the ceiling. It took me a lone time to convince Rahul for these stars, according to him it was childish of me to do so. I could feel numbness in my body. I tried to move my arms but couldn’t do it. I was too weak. Best part is that it didn’t pain. Maybe it’s coz I was not afraid of it anymore, not of anything. I was wanted to just see my mom for the last time now. I know she’d cry her heart out after me. Things will never be the same again. These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I cried out aloud but I was too weak to make any kind of noise. This was the saddest moment of my life, or maybe the reason I took this decision. Nothing mattered now, in another few minutes I will no longer be conscious. I don’t know when I became unconscious.

TO BE CONTINUED.......

REALISATION

It was a cloudy day, wind whirling around the leaves made it a spectacle. Being from a town with 50 degree temperature, this was a welcome change for me. Today was my first day at the job. Fresh out of college, spent last couple of months at home doing nothing but lying around and watching television. Company arranged for accommodation in a luxurious hotel, definitely better than anything I've ever stayed in. We were asked to report at company office at 9:30 am, so all six of us were ready with best formals we had. It was a pleasant surprise to see a cab waiting for us at the hotel reception. We were greeted by the H.R Manager with bouquets. We spent the entire day being spoken to by different department heads. Having lunch in a one of the finest restaurants in Bangalore ( as told by the H.R Manager) was again something i didn't see coming. It was all happening to me, nice hotel-great company-a pay enough to earn bread n butter. But i feel lost, Some part of me tells me this is not the way i want to live my life. I want to make difference to lives. It certainly reminds me of a story we read back in school days, which told us that even angels which are waiting for god's orders are actually working. Everyone has a purpose and it is US who need to decide what is it. Or is it? Yeah i know this sounds so unlike me, talking about god. HA HA !!!!! After coming back from office, when i went to have my dinner. While buying the smoke, i noticed a 8-10 year old working at the shop. I just wondered, no matter how talented or competent he is. Will he ever be able to make it big in life? Can he dream? the answer is a simple NO. On asking him what he wants to do when he grows up, he replies " Main apni dukaan kholunga, ye maama ki hai. Woh zyada paisa nahi dete hain". Well my ex-president, Dr A.P.Abdul Kalam said," It is the biggest crime to dream small". So who's crime is it in this case? I am really fortunate that i'm born in a family that could educate me enough to atleast have views and put them through. What about those who cant? Yeah i know, who has time to address all these issues with so many personal problems at hand. Isn't it? Well once someone said," The society will not remember you for what you've done in your life, but it will remember you for what you've done for the society". Everyone will leave one day, with their memories fading every second. All that counts is how many lives you touch within this time frame.